Kissed

I kissed you so deeply

I almost couldn't find my way back

I was in the harmonious abyss of us

and I did

not

want

to come back

A kiss full....intense....passionate.....delightful....spiritual....sweet

it took my breath from me

I felt an energy I have never known

in all my travels, all my earlier kisses

this kiss pulled me from myself and

deposited me into a utopia so vivid

and alive

I almost cried

every essence of myself was conjured up in

deep

long

deliberate

kisses

and I lost myself for a night

I was no longer me

I was us

I was life

I was free

I was alive again

hope ran his soft hands down my back

as his whispers echoed in my soul

I melted into this kiss until I was no longer me

I was us

I was kissed so deeply

I will never be the me I once knew ever again

I saw the me I want to be

In a kiss.

Let's talk about love...

I want to thank you Chanee, for reminding me that I had poetry in me. I went looking and I found some of my poems in an old email address I had. I typed them up and sent them to myself one day, lord knows why. 

I laughed when I read some of them because it stands true, I am in love with love. As hard as I act and I shut myself out from the world to protect my heart, my poems tell it all.  There were a few that were not about love but for the most part that's what I wrote about. I feel like I have been looking for it all my life. The fact of the matter is I want love, I want to be loved but most of all I want to love. Let's be clear I love my daughter, my family, my friends and my little suki with all my heart. This is not the kind of love I am talking about. I am talking about romantic love, intimate love. The love that renders you hopeless. The kind of love that makes you physically ill when you lose it.

I know everyone expects me, the Aries, to be harsh and cold. Aries, the egocentric, me me me people. The warriors, the head strong, the crass and bossy ones. News flash, we are sensitive and loving too. We are filled with passion and if you are lucky enough to win our hearts we are loyal and loving.  I want to make a man feel like a king, tell him there is nothing he cannot achieve. I want to stand at his side and be the softness he rests his head on when the world has knocked him around. I want to be the voice that whispers in his ear when he is doubtful, reminding him that he is invisible. I want to make other men envious of him. I want to be the one that fills him with passion and fills his heart with love.

I want sit with him in comfortable silence and yell a little to spice things up when things get too routine. I want to follow my dreams and have him follow his so that we can meet up in the middle and laugh together about our adventures. I want cuddling and love making...followed by bursts of creative thought and conversations. Intellectually challenge me so that we may end up in a fiery debate and make up with sweet kisses in the sheets.

Public displays of affection will be mandatory and yes we will hold hands. Not because we are claiming each other but because we want our energy to remain connected amidst the craziness of the world. We will share healthy foods, in the kitchen together because I am not a good cook but a great sous chef. Most importantly we will be honest and truthful with each other, so when we need to be alone the other will not feel abandoned and afraid.

I imagine in today's world this all seems like a childish fantasy. Perhaps it is, I would rather bathe in my fantasies of love then settle for the wham bam business that is plaguing our society today. I am a hopeless romantic looking for another hopeless romantic to share my life with. I can see you the question is can you see me?

So the moral of today's story is....don't abandon your childish fantasies, they are the truth in your heart. Follow them, who knows where they may lead you.....

HAPPY FANTASIZING!!!!!

Last words.

I was reminded of this blog by a stranger who commented on it today. I have been so caught up in all the things I have ranted and raved about, I forgot all about this. My conduit to mental peace. My venting room if you will. So here I am. I am back and committed. I have a lot to say and hopefully a group of people interested in hearing it.
This year I donated a kidney to my cousin. So yes, I have donated to a cause. I have worked on a feature film and a commercial. Career moving slowly forward, Check! And I have had my faith in love restored. I was in a dark place for awhile and basically, lost faith in my ability to open my heart up to someone. What's worse than that is I felt that I was unworthy of receiving it as well. I am not completely cured but I have had some major revelations.

I had to start with the mistakes I was making. The people I chose to bring into my life in the past were all wrong for me. Even sitting here thinking about it I have to laugh because I am not sure what I saw in them. Besides being eye candy, they were not very nice. I was made to feel inferior, incapable and ugly. I allowed this, I can only blame myself for the situations I was in. I even married one of them, a decision I will regret for the rest of my life. So, I took a sabbatical from men. I stopped and looked inward at what was going on with me. I focused on losing weight for the kidney donation, eating right, light exercising and shut my heart down completely.

That lasted from March 2011 until recently.

Taking this step outside of the box, I began to think about the characteristics I would want in a man. Who would I want to sit in bed with on a Sunday afternoon? Who would I want to talk to into the wee hours of the night or just sit down and have a meal with. What would he be like? How tall is he? What kind of energy does he emit? I thought about this for many months. I talked with my closest friends about this. So I narrowed down my search and started looking at people that act and think the way I do. Someone with similar interests and style.  I paid attention to the conversations I was having and what men were saying vs. doing. I believe for the first time in my life I know what I am looking for. I know how he kisses me, I know what his voice sounds like. I know how he handles me and how I feel in his presence. I know it will be easy for me to let go with this person because, well it's just easy when it's right.

This person is going to challenge me. Dare me to be patient and learn. Encourage me to develop as an individual. Be a solid presence in my life without turning his back on his life. He will make me learn him through my own personal research. He will understand that at my age, this is who I am and he will be ok with that. He will think I am beautiful and want to hold my hand in public. He will not hold back, allowing what we have to grow. He will be kind with gentle eyes. He will soothe me.

With that being said, I no longer am harping on what I do not want. I now focus on what I want and it has opened my eyes to a possibility I would not have seen in my past state of mind. I feel like an idiot that I spent the early part of my years in this state of stupidity, perhaps this is what happens when you grow. Age is knowledge and at my age I am confident that I am better, smarter and sexier.

So with all this being said I want to wish everyone a happy and healthy holiday season. Remember love conquers all and that loving yourself is, in fact, the best medicine. Embrace the new year, 2012 is going to be full of change. It's up to us to decide if the change will be for the better or the worse. Let go of your bad habits and embrace new healthier ones. Eat healthy, feed your passions, find what you love and make it a part of your life. Don't be afraid to open up and tell someone, or the world for that matter what you are feeling. Take risks and forget what the haters are saying. Look into someone eyes and tell them you love them. Support your children in following their dreams. Hug your friends and tell them you love them. Spend time with the important people in your life. Take the time to sit quietly with someone special. Hold out your hand to help someone cross the street. Give your last dollar to a homeless person. Create. Dream. Laugh. Sing. Dance...and remember we are human and capable of remarkable things once we allow ourselves to think for ourselves. Step outside your comfort zones and away from the brainwashing that we are faced with daily. It is ok to want to be different and step to your own beat....For 2012 I want you to be the best YOU possible!

Love and Peace
Tiffany

Detox the Demons...

Good morning everyone.  I have spent the last few days talking about depression, feeling a bit depressed myself and wondering how to fight it. This morning a light bulb came on in my head. We all, I say we because I too have felt this way, we don't treat depression like a habit. We treat it like a state of mind, or chemical imbalance. We never say, "Dammit, I want to kick this depression habit!" Why not, isn't it? Tell me something, when you are feeling blue is it easy to snap out of? Can you walk away from it? or, does it hold you in the same flight pattern? We pull our shades down, blocking out sunlight, happiness, optimism.  It pulls us in deeper and deeper until the only thing we know is how we feel and we hang on to that for dear life. Afraid of losing ourselves completely. Or we get angry, but instead of being angry with the depression we turn it on the people around us and sometimes even ourselves...never at the depression.

So today I present a knew challenge...DETOX THE DEMON!  Like with all things that are not good for us, there is a process and a time frame to get it out of our lives. 28 days in rehab to even begin to heal. Fever, chills, begging, pleading, anger, fear, desperation...all these phases to clear the clouds and deal with the problems. So, let's start the detox, fight every urge you have if you are depressed. If you want to lay in bed go for a walk, If you want to be angry look in the mirror and smile at yourself for 15 minutes. If you want to eat a carton of ice cream while sitting in the dark crying, get some veggies, turn on all the lights and blast your favorite music while dancing around your living room in your fuzzy slippers and PJ's. What I am saying is whenever you feel depression is guiding you, do the exact opposite of what it's telling you to do. I know this sounds easy, trust me it is hard. It will feel like you are swimming against the current. It will feel as hard as it feels for someone who has just signed themselves into rehab.

The depression will try to trick you, so when you are feeling the equivalent of the shivers, shakes and desperation try to stay focused. Get a sponsor, sign up a friend, family member, drug counselor whoever you can think of that you know will be able to talk you through the hardest parts any time of the day. Sign a contract with them for yourself, committing yourself to the process, and start the detox.  Stop letting that demon, dictate your life to you. Sabotaging relationships, and steering you towards situations that will keep you in it's grips. Holding you back from success, allowing you to see it from a distance but keeping you just far enough so that you cannot grab hold of your dreams. Helping you build that wall that separates  you from the people you love and more importantly that love you. Take control, every small attempt to do this will take away the demon's authority.

Just remember, the depression demon disguises itself as you. It can trick you into thinking that what you are thinking and feeling is perfectly natural, and that's it is actually your idea. That's why talking to someone else about it helps you weigh in on what's real and not. It will make you feel like your thoughts are so disgusting that no one will understand. That's how it keeps you where you are. Like an abusive relationship, the first thing they do is separate you from your family and friends. They take you far away from your support and then wreak havoc in your life, break you down emotionally, convince you that it's your fault and that no one loves you but them. You become numb and robotic, moving through life through the instructions given to you. Can you see the comparison? Can you see depression in all of that? I can. I was raised never to let a man put his hands on me, or let anyone let me feel less of a person. So, depression, you are no different than an abusive husband, or a drug addiction...I am setting you free. If you chose to stick around I warn you, I am prepared to fight. I will make you uncomfortable, take away your power and force you to sit and watch me grow and blossom. I am turning the tables on you. Today is day one of the detoxification.

I rebuke you in the name of sanity!!!!

lately, there seems to be something in the air. Is it the winter blues? Is it desperation, fear that our happiness is being ripped out from under us through an unstable economy? I read a few sentences in an article the other day about marriage and how it does not hold the same importance as it did. Duh! How could it? We are no longer limited to card parties and neighborhood camaraderies. There are so many options. We are bombarded with options. Options slipping us numbers in bars, options seeking us out on the endless websites. Options blue toothing their information to us. It's overwhelming! If we weren't a society worried about something better coming along in the past....we are now. We have access to everyone, everywhere. So where does that leave us?

It looks to me like a vicious cycle. We want to be in love and settled down. We want to have super bowl parties and meet friends for dinner. We want to travel, pay our bills, raise our children. We want trust and understanding. We want it to be fair. The problem is it is not fair. No matter how nice we are, there is someone making us question ourselves. No matter how honest we are there will always be someone who does not believe you. No matter how hard we work, there will always be an emergency that keeps us from complete financial stability. Up and down, back and forth, sometimes it feels like we will never land. In the midst of this turbulence, we beat ourselves up. Learn to hate and resent ourselves, some turn to demise, some even further to suicide. The pain is too much to bear, so they end it.

No matter how many times I try to think of alternative ways to fix things there is one option we pretend not to see. This is the option to find inner peace. The option to face the multitude of voices yelling out to us, buy this and you will feel better. Live here and you will be the envy of all your friends. Drive this and you have arrived. You have to look this way, act that way, think another way and still maintain a sense of self. IMPOSSIBLE!!! As 2012 nears I find myself thinking, what would it be like if all technology was wiped out. If we had to return to a simple way of life. Growing our own food, coming together as a community to stay alive. What if the end means everything as we know it will change? Who is prepared for that? We would no longer sit in a room full of people, who are looking at their cell phones. We would probably be out working the fields, or hunting or building shelter. Together.

There would be dinner by campfires and discussions about how to rebuild and make it better. Families would become one again, because let's face it once we are all stripped of the glamour and glitz...all the "options" would disappear. At least this is how I hope it will be, of course it could be and never ending version of the book of Eli, where the strong win and the weak lose. Who wants that?

So challenge everyone to love themselves, love themselves so much that others misery cannot penetrate your energy. Emit love, inhale love, walk love, talk love, think love, eat love. When ugliness bears its rotten teeth, smile upon it with love. Conflict requires two forces to sustain itself, don't be the second force. In fact, everyone take a marker, sharpie, eyeliner, crayon whatever...go to your bathroom mirror and write in big words...I LOVE YOU! Draw a smiley face, flowers, fireworks, a rainbow, whatever. Just make sure that every morning when you look in the mirror you are reminded of one simple thing. LOVE YOURSELF!

Doubt

I often sit and think about the path ahead of me and wonder if I have to strength to persevere on. Do I have what it takes? Am I smart enough? Strong enough? I wait for a booming voice from above to give me the answers but it never comes. It is always that little voice in my heart that reminds me, yes you can. There is that impulse from inside of me that lunges me forward, reminds me my work is not done. It keeps me moving forward. I can see how people can ignore that inner voice because they are doubtful. Security is important for many people. Sometimes, it can be our own worse enemy. Security keeps you in the state you are in, safe and warm. You know what is coming and how you will handle it. Unexpected expenses, emergencies...how will I deal with it? Oh yes, I have security! Are these the same people I see sitting on the bus or train, or in their cars in traffic staring ahead blankly? No spark left in their eyes. They have a routine, they get up, go to work, pay their bills, come home cook dinner, go to bed and start all over day after day. I am not knocking this lifestyle, I lived this life for a long time.

I do wonder how many of these people are actually dreaming of the "What if.."  Dreaming of sitting in a cafe in Paris writing poetry, or hiking through the rain forests, or joining the Peace Corps. My question to them is why not? Why do you believe that these things are not reachable goals? Is it because you think you can't? You believe the risk is too hefty? The consequences too severe? Perhaps this is all true, however when the end nears what stories will you tell?

I remember sitting in my mother's house listening to her and her friends talk about the crazy things they did in their youth and all I could think about is, " I will not have a crazy story to tell..". That scared me more than anything. I will not have something to sit and laugh about when I am older. I will not have an adventure to reminisce upon. That is when I started entertaining the idea of taking a risk, even at that moment it took many, many years for me to actually build up the nerve to take a leap. So I ask all of you...what are you waiting for?

Fear

How many people in this entire world have dreams they have never pursued out of fear?  How many children are pushed into careers, following in their parents footsteps because it is comfortable and makes sense. All the while day dreaming about a completely different life? Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we teach our children than normal means going to college to secure a good job. Then you must get married, have children and a pension plan. Pay a mortgage, and car notes and have nice things all around you. Why does this translate into normal? Because it is generations of brainwashing, money = Happiness! Let's get honest people Money=opportunities. Let's start to teach the truth, money is not what makes you happy, but it does allow you the security you need to find your happiness. For example, having all the potential in the world means nothing if you cannot financially support the path to your dreams.

As parents, some of us should be ashamed of ourselves for expecting our children to fall in line. Get a good Government job with benefits, I am in no way saying these jobs are under par. If your dream is to be a cop, or Correctional Officer then you should, however if you want to design airplanes or raise cattle then maybe a government career is not the path you should be on.  What does your child love to do? Do any of us know? I do, I talk with my daughter. I will not let her settle, we discuss all the options out there that she can apply her talents and passions to. I tell her she can do whatever she wants, I encourage her to join the peace corp and travel. See the world, talk to people about life. FIND YOUR PASSION! She is 16, now and she has so many talents, I am excited to see where she takes them.

Understand this, I had a passion for art all my life, I did not pursue it until my mid 30's, what a waste of time. I spent a long time working in a career that was not my dream, but it paid the bills and I was good at it. I was unhappy and had a longing for something different. This longing turned into an ache and when I could no longer stand the aching inside of me, I did something about it...I took a leap.