Kissed

I kissed you so deeply

I almost couldn't find my way back

I was in the harmonious abyss of us

and I did

not

want

to come back

A kiss full....intense....passionate.....delightful....spiritual....sweet

it took my breath from me

I felt an energy I have never known

in all my travels, all my earlier kisses

this kiss pulled me from myself and

deposited me into a utopia so vivid

and alive

I almost cried

every essence of myself was conjured up in

deep

long

deliberate

kisses

and I lost myself for a night

I was no longer me

I was us

I was life

I was free

I was alive again

hope ran his soft hands down my back

as his whispers echoed in my soul

I melted into this kiss until I was no longer me

I was us

I was kissed so deeply

I will never be the me I once knew ever again

I saw the me I want to be

In a kiss.

Let's talk about love...

I want to thank you Chanee, for reminding me that I had poetry in me. I went looking and I found some of my poems in an old email address I had. I typed them up and sent them to myself one day, lord knows why. 

I laughed when I read some of them because it stands true, I am in love with love. As hard as I act and I shut myself out from the world to protect my heart, my poems tell it all.  There were a few that were not about love but for the most part that's what I wrote about. I feel like I have been looking for it all my life. The fact of the matter is I want love, I want to be loved but most of all I want to love. Let's be clear I love my daughter, my family, my friends and my little suki with all my heart. This is not the kind of love I am talking about. I am talking about romantic love, intimate love. The love that renders you hopeless. The kind of love that makes you physically ill when you lose it.

I know everyone expects me, the Aries, to be harsh and cold. Aries, the egocentric, me me me people. The warriors, the head strong, the crass and bossy ones. News flash, we are sensitive and loving too. We are filled with passion and if you are lucky enough to win our hearts we are loyal and loving.  I want to make a man feel like a king, tell him there is nothing he cannot achieve. I want to stand at his side and be the softness he rests his head on when the world has knocked him around. I want to be the voice that whispers in his ear when he is doubtful, reminding him that he is invisible. I want to make other men envious of him. I want to be the one that fills him with passion and fills his heart with love.

I want sit with him in comfortable silence and yell a little to spice things up when things get too routine. I want to follow my dreams and have him follow his so that we can meet up in the middle and laugh together about our adventures. I want cuddling and love making...followed by bursts of creative thought and conversations. Intellectually challenge me so that we may end up in a fiery debate and make up with sweet kisses in the sheets.

Public displays of affection will be mandatory and yes we will hold hands. Not because we are claiming each other but because we want our energy to remain connected amidst the craziness of the world. We will share healthy foods, in the kitchen together because I am not a good cook but a great sous chef. Most importantly we will be honest and truthful with each other, so when we need to be alone the other will not feel abandoned and afraid.

I imagine in today's world this all seems like a childish fantasy. Perhaps it is, I would rather bathe in my fantasies of love then settle for the wham bam business that is plaguing our society today. I am a hopeless romantic looking for another hopeless romantic to share my life with. I can see you the question is can you see me?

So the moral of today's story is....don't abandon your childish fantasies, they are the truth in your heart. Follow them, who knows where they may lead you.....

HAPPY FANTASIZING!!!!!

Last words.

I was reminded of this blog by a stranger who commented on it today. I have been so caught up in all the things I have ranted and raved about, I forgot all about this. My conduit to mental peace. My venting room if you will. So here I am. I am back and committed. I have a lot to say and hopefully a group of people interested in hearing it.
This year I donated a kidney to my cousin. So yes, I have donated to a cause. I have worked on a feature film and a commercial. Career moving slowly forward, Check! And I have had my faith in love restored. I was in a dark place for awhile and basically, lost faith in my ability to open my heart up to someone. What's worse than that is I felt that I was unworthy of receiving it as well. I am not completely cured but I have had some major revelations.

I had to start with the mistakes I was making. The people I chose to bring into my life in the past were all wrong for me. Even sitting here thinking about it I have to laugh because I am not sure what I saw in them. Besides being eye candy, they were not very nice. I was made to feel inferior, incapable and ugly. I allowed this, I can only blame myself for the situations I was in. I even married one of them, a decision I will regret for the rest of my life. So, I took a sabbatical from men. I stopped and looked inward at what was going on with me. I focused on losing weight for the kidney donation, eating right, light exercising and shut my heart down completely.

That lasted from March 2011 until recently.

Taking this step outside of the box, I began to think about the characteristics I would want in a man. Who would I want to sit in bed with on a Sunday afternoon? Who would I want to talk to into the wee hours of the night or just sit down and have a meal with. What would he be like? How tall is he? What kind of energy does he emit? I thought about this for many months. I talked with my closest friends about this. So I narrowed down my search and started looking at people that act and think the way I do. Someone with similar interests and style.  I paid attention to the conversations I was having and what men were saying vs. doing. I believe for the first time in my life I know what I am looking for. I know how he kisses me, I know what his voice sounds like. I know how he handles me and how I feel in his presence. I know it will be easy for me to let go with this person because, well it's just easy when it's right.

This person is going to challenge me. Dare me to be patient and learn. Encourage me to develop as an individual. Be a solid presence in my life without turning his back on his life. He will make me learn him through my own personal research. He will understand that at my age, this is who I am and he will be ok with that. He will think I am beautiful and want to hold my hand in public. He will not hold back, allowing what we have to grow. He will be kind with gentle eyes. He will soothe me.

With that being said, I no longer am harping on what I do not want. I now focus on what I want and it has opened my eyes to a possibility I would not have seen in my past state of mind. I feel like an idiot that I spent the early part of my years in this state of stupidity, perhaps this is what happens when you grow. Age is knowledge and at my age I am confident that I am better, smarter and sexier.

So with all this being said I want to wish everyone a happy and healthy holiday season. Remember love conquers all and that loving yourself is, in fact, the best medicine. Embrace the new year, 2012 is going to be full of change. It's up to us to decide if the change will be for the better or the worse. Let go of your bad habits and embrace new healthier ones. Eat healthy, feed your passions, find what you love and make it a part of your life. Don't be afraid to open up and tell someone, or the world for that matter what you are feeling. Take risks and forget what the haters are saying. Look into someone eyes and tell them you love them. Support your children in following their dreams. Hug your friends and tell them you love them. Spend time with the important people in your life. Take the time to sit quietly with someone special. Hold out your hand to help someone cross the street. Give your last dollar to a homeless person. Create. Dream. Laugh. Sing. Dance...and remember we are human and capable of remarkable things once we allow ourselves to think for ourselves. Step outside your comfort zones and away from the brainwashing that we are faced with daily. It is ok to want to be different and step to your own beat....For 2012 I want you to be the best YOU possible!

Love and Peace
Tiffany