Judgement

I have a few things on my mind, things that make no sense to me. Things that have me questioning myself. Basically in 2006, I quit my job in HR and moved to Atlanta with my daughter and godmother. I know it was risky but I had a plan. I was going back to school to get my degree in Interior Design. So I took six months to figure it all out down there and in January 2007 I started school full time at the Art Institute of Atlanta. During my four years in school, I fell out with my godmother, got married, got separated and lost everything. Here's the kicker through all of the harshest crap the universe could have thrown at me, I GRADUATED WITH HONORS!  After graduation and a few months of why the hell am I still in Atlanta, I came home.

What I failed to mention is that, some of my family was not too pleased with me. I ruined Shani, my daughters, life because we had no stability and at one point we had no where to live. I struggled just to feed us half the time. It was rough, I am not going to sugar coat it and I felt so guilty the entire time. I just kept thinking which is worse? Quitting and going home, getting a regular job and living a semi satisfying life? or sticking it out and graduating so that I would actually have a degree that would open more doors, therefore allowing me to do more for Shani in the long run? I chose door B and stuck it out. Unfortunately I do not think my family will ever let me live it down.

Now I am finding out that they do not appreciate how I live my life and how I handle conflict and basically how I live, eat, talk, laugh....you get the picture. I realize now that I am expected to make all efforts to maintain relations with all of them, and in return none of them are obligated to do the same for me. They give me the impression that I have to prove myself to them. So here I am stuck in this conundrum, I love them, however I love myself too. I have had the hardest four years, there were times when  simple phone call from them telling me they love me and they are rooting for me would have given me the fuel I needed to persevere on. Instead, there were alot of well, you only call when you need something. So I stopped calling, and when I did call I would not discuss my situation. I made it sound like everything was great. Then when they found out, through Shani, that it wasn't I was hit with why didn't you tell anyone how bad it was? Seriously, I was damned if I did damned if I didn't. Meanwhile I was spending about 60 hours a week in school, working on projects...there at 7am sometimes leaving at midnight just to keep up with all the work I had to do.

So, here we are. I came home thanks to my friend Ila who offered up her home for Shani and I to come back to, Ila is not a family member. You know, the ones that wanted me to come home, but couldn't assist me in anyway.  I have no car, I am working my tail off at Pier 1 and an internship to get the ball rolling. At one point I was working three gigs at the same time, then flew to Atlanta to work and came back to work some more up here. Now I find out that even though I have no car, I am expected to come see everyone, these are people with cars. Snide comments are being made behind my back about me even going to Atlanta to begin with and apparently I am not worth a 30 minute car ride to come visit.

Let's not forget that I came home with a degree, I took a risk and followed my heart. Here I sit with this accomplishment that may not seem to be a big deal to many people, it is to me. I have this one thing to be proud of and they cannot find it in their hearts to let me have this one. So here is a clear message to all of my family. I love you all very much and I want nothing but love and understanding from you. keep your money or any assistance you might be wanting to offer. I don't want it, and I don't need it. If you want to see me you know where to find me and if I ever get to a point where I do have reliable transportation I will come see you. At the moment I am working to follow my dream, I do not want to settle because I can. I want to push and push and push because I have so much to do in this life. I am working to make it better instead of sitting around being miserable about the job I hate, or the apt I hate, or the life I hate. If you cannot be happy for me I feel sorry for you, but I will not let you suck me into that mentality...I want to fly and I will.